Poof! Proofs!

If I could go on Facebook right now, my status would say "Angela wishes that her Analysis proofs would poof! magically appear."

We have a take-home exam due mid-next week. I started it last night, got 1/3 of it done, I'm glad to say :) Well, it's actually 2 parts of the one 4-part problem on there, so I don't actually have a whole problem done, but if I think of the whole exam as having 6 total parts, I'm 1/3 done. Which just sounds better and makes me feel better about myself, haha. So I left my desk last night feeling semi-accomplished, but still was unable to sleep for a good while after I went to bed b/c my mind just kept ticking, wanting to get another part done (then I could say my exam is 1/2 done.. half! That just sounds so nice, doesn't it?). Alas, I am now sad to say that I have been at my desk again today for several hours now, and my further attempts at progress have seen to no avail. :( 

-----[edit]------
Mwahaha! I am now ecstatic to report that I got one more problem done (after roughly 6 hours of arduous thinking)! I even typed it up, reread it, and rewrote the gist of the proof just to be sure I understood it and was overlooking something. I feel pretty good about it, to be honest. I won't claim that it's absolutely perfect, but if there is something lacking, I'm pretty confident that it'd have to be something pretty minor, b/c I checked everything I could think of. I went through the whole gist again just to be super thorough. And I think I'm good. So I am now allowed to say I have half the Analysis take-home midterm done! (Lol, just goes to show how hard this math is, completing one problem (AND having confidence in its correctness and completeness!) is a MAJOR accomplishment.) At just ten minutes shy of midnight, I will now hit the hay and hope that with these invigorating sense of accomplishment, I'll be able to get a good's night sleep without running through the other as yet incomplete exam problems in my mind. :)
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Analysis is hard, hard stuff. At least to me. And a good number of others in my class that I could name. I could never say that I hate math (nor am I in love with it), but this class has given me a very great, intense dislike for mathematical proofs (see photo to the left) and all this theory business. I miss when math was about numbers. 1+1=2? Heck yeah! Haha. I even miss Calculus, PreCalc, & Algebra II: first derivatives, second derivatives, integrals, polynomial long division, bring it on! Oh, high school.

I remember when imaginary numbers were introduced, and we were all like, um, weird, but okay, I can deal with this. Now I'm in college and the numbers (real ones, not even the imaginary) have been replaced with letters and greek letters with subscripts and superscripts, oh my!

Despite this, I have still managed to enjoy my college math experiences, if only for the wonderful professors and classmates here at St. Mary's. (Today was our Pi Day Pie Eating Contest and it was great fun! Alex's velociraptor warm-up, Dave's attacking his pie (to the floor!) like a madman, Adam's chocolate beard.. fun times, hilarious people.) Even though the work can be exhausting, torturous, and self-esteem reducing, we endure it together. Haha, how cheesy. "It kind of sucks, but we have each other." :) It's true, though. We bounce ideas off each other, feel a little less dumb when we struggle together rather than alone, and laugh together despite the hard work. 

So, in future years, when I look back on my math experiences, I'll remember my awesome Pre-Calc and Calculus teachers in high school like I do now. I remember how crazy hard it was starting Calc BC without having taken AB first, but how gratifying it was when I finally did understand what was being taught. I'll remember how my very first college math class almost completely discouraged me from being a Math major, but I gave it another chance..and I'm glad I did. I'll remember the wonderful people that decision allowed me to meet. I'll remember how mind-racking and exhausting college math problems were, but with that I'll remember the classmates I worked with on the hw, playing with beads to work through knot theory, eating popcorn/cookies provided by Katie, and laughing at our crazy silly professors. I'll remember sitting at my desk like I am now for hours at a time, looking at my problems and trying any number of methods I could think of to prove what I need to, but walking away for the night feeling drained and hopeless, with nothing to show for my effort. I just have to keep reminding myself that in the bigger picture, one problem, one hw, one test, is not going to matter, as long as I do my best. Despite all of those exhaustive hours spent ransacking my brain for a solution through everything, and all the frustration to be had when no solution was found, Math has remained my favorite subject. It doesn't always make sense, but when it does, it's quite beautiful. :) It's a slightly complicated, bittersweet relationship we have.

ACCEPTED! :D

Today, I got an email saying "It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted for participation in the SMCM Signature Semester in Alba, Italy during fall semester 2010. Congratulations!"

I think this calls for a...

HOORAH! HUZZAH! 

...or just a simple YAY! suffices, too. :)

I don't know if anyone didn't get accepted or how many people applied, nor did I expect to get turned down or anything, but it is super nice to know for sure now that once I finish up with this grueling semester (6 1/2 weeks 'til summer!!!) I will most definitely have ITALY to look forward to in another 3 1/2 months! Eep! I'm super duper excited, can't you tell? ;]

Lead me, Lord.

   

"Lead me, Lord,
Lead me, Lord,
by the light of truth
to seek and to find the narrow way.
Be my way, 
Be my truth,
Be my life, my Lord,
and lead me, Lord, today."

Mondays..

..are lame.

 

I feel ya, Garfield.

Brain overloaaaad.

Oh my lands, this semester is pretty much killing me. x_x

We're on week 7 of 15 now, not quite at the halfway mark yet, but with the amount of time I've spent just sitting here at my desk working until I head to bed, it definitely feels like we've done more than half a semester's worth of work. With the snow days we had last month a bunch of my classes are playing catch-up and cram, so that's putting my brain even more so into overkill. Granted, I know it definitely could be worse, thankfully all five classes' midterms aren't all in one week, although about four weeks' worth of intense busy-ness is not exactly enjoyable, either.

I can't express enough how ready for summer I am (or at least Spring Break!) ... aghh. I just have to keep reminding myself that in the bigger picture, each of these assignments and tests aren't going to matter. I expect to at least pass all of my classes with decent grades, so I shouldn't kill myself trying to excel at every little thing, because I just don't have the time to focus on each individual class like that. Right now, I have a Psychology exam tomorrow morning and Analysis hw on my plate, but I think I'm going to bypass that in favor of sleep. Then I'll maybe try to get up early tomorrow, cram some more for Psyc, but no doubt I will just end up BS-ing much of my exam and just hoping for the best. For now, off to Dreamland I go. :)

O bed! O bed! delicious bed!
That heaven upon earth to the weary head.
~Thomas Hood, Miss Kilmansegg - Her Dream

Sleep, you are truly wonderful, and I am so sad that I don't get to spend as much time with you as I'd like. :(

Lenten goals

Starting tomorrow and going until Easter Sunday (April 4, according to my calendar.. a total of 51 days - I thought Lent was supposed to be 40 days long?), I have banned myself from Facebook, and my sister is cutting herself off from TV, including video games (!!), haha.

It's going to be hard, but it'll also be interesting, I think. My reasons for cutting myself off from facebook are more personal than spiritual, but I think it'll do me some good either way. Facebook is way too distracting, and like I said in my last status until April, goodness knows there are definitely better ways I could be utilizing my time, haha. Hopefully now I'll be able to focus my energy towards getting my homework done without getting sidetracked. I mean, sure, I could have just told myself to just get on, check things, comment here and there, and then get off and get to work, but I think my mind is too A.D.D. to really go through with that. I'd just get too easily distracted! Especially since I'm already so reluctant to do my homework as it is, haha. So yeahh, I figured cutting myself off completely for a while would do me some good. I already limited my time on Facebook today to just checking my notifications (most of which were in response to my "admirable" choice for Lent, haha.. it's kind of sad how many of our generation are so addicted to Facebook that we can't imagine not checking it daily, huh? Lol.) and I think that it's been a pretty productive night. It's Tuesday, and I've already done my hw for Thurs, started both math hw's for Friday. :)

Anyway, school focuses aside, of course I have some spiritual aspirations for Lent (and after) as well. Yes, on top of giving up Facebook I will still participate in fasting tomorrow and on Good Friday, and not eating meat on Fridays during Lent, but that is more to just do that together with my family. I personally am not sure exactly how doing those things will bring me closer to God, so I'm going to do more. I've been reading the Bible every day since the start of the year (using a NLT One Year Bible that Fields got like two Christmases ago), and I'm pretty proud of myself that I have kept up the daily habit. Of course I'll continue to do so, but I also want to explore and learn more in general about what it means to be a Christian. I don't want to get weighed down in the technicalities of how each denomination worships, I primarily want to focus on what I can do to be a better Christian first and foremost. I'm going to work on my relationship with Jesus Christ. It will be interesting to look at the differences and similarities in the beliefs and practices of the different denominations, especially as I consider what church I really want to go to (based on my relationship with Christ, not with Fields, or with my parents, or anyone), but I have to take things step by step or I will be overwhelmed.

At times, I already feel really overwhelmed. It's a hard situation I'm in since Fields and my parents have different biases and I'm kind of lost in the middle, but I know that I want to do this for myself, and I'm going to rely on God for help. I just have to keep praying for guidance and strength to be able to make the right decision.

Italy..

...here I come!

Well, not quite yet, but I'm sooo ready to go! Today, I finished up filling out my Study Abroad application forms and everything else that I need to get together for the first batch of forms :) There will be another batch for Pre-departure, but that's not til like April. The forms I put together today aren't due until March 1, but I've just been so excited! :) I feel like this is my first step towards Italy, and I'm sooo stoked! For the study abroad scholarship application, I had to write a statement of my purpose and goals in Italy, so I thought I'd share that here. I don't really expect to get a scholarship, but it doesn't hurt to try, right? I basically just wrote down my sentiments toward studying abroad, so it didn't come out so much like an essay as it did like I was just telling someone my reasons for wanting to go, which is still what I think they were looking for, sooo.. yep :)


STATEMENT OF PURPOSE AND GOALS IN STUDY ABROAD
Having grown up in a Navy family, I have gotten to travel quite a bit. My family was stationed in Japan for ten years, and we got to take trips to places in Asia like Singapore, Thailand, the Philippines, and Hong Kong. I love traveling, but I have never fully immersed myself in another country’s culture as I expect to with the opportunity to study abroad. Since I have never been to Europe, I picked Italy as my destination of choice. There is something about Italy that I find charming, from its rustic countryside vistas and vineyards, to the small towns and historic cities. I am excited to have the opportunity to go sightseeing in cities like Rome, Florence, and Venice and have my breath taken away by their majesty.

This particular program in Alba through SMCM also appealed to me because of the variety offered in the courses that students can take. Since I will have already completed the requirements for both my major and minor, as well as the General Education Curriculum, all I need to take are electives to fill in the number of required credit hours for my degree. The Alba program offers various courses in Literature, Economics, Religion, Music, and History, so I know that I will be able to get a stimulating educational experience on top of experiencing the wonderful Italian culture.

I anticipate my experience abroad will help me become more aware of how vast the world really is and to open my eyes to all the many other cultures there are out there. I am willing to step out of my comfort zone and into the entirely unfamiliar culture of a new country, and I hope that this will drive me to gain a better sense of self-confidence and independence, seeing as this will be my first time really away from home and on my own. Since this will be the last semester of my undergraduate career, these will be valuable traits to have as I aim to enter the “real working world” upon my return and graduation. I expect this program will provide me with a once in a lifetime experience whose memories I will look back on and cherish for the rest of my life, and I honestly cannot express how eager and excited I am to get started on this adventure!  

Bring it on, 2010.

So I know I hardly ever blog, but I'm kind of hoping that this year might see an increase in that. 2010 is going to be a big year for me; I keep thinking and thinking about it, but I still don't think all of it has completely set in. I make my lists and I keep looking to the future, and I wait in eager anticipation, but that's all it is right now: a list. Would you like to see my list? I'm pretty proud of it. :)

Biggies in 2010:

• Upon completion of the Spring 2010 semester, I will have completed both my math major and econ minor.
• This may very well be my last semester working at the Campus Store. As much as I love working there, I'm going to have to say goodbye eventually, and I think/hope that it will be this summer, because I'm hoping to get a job/internship on base that'll lead to a full-time job post-graduation.
• In June, I turn 21 years old! Yikes! Is it weird that I still feel 18, like it hasn't been nearly 3 years since I finished high school? Crazy.
• Come this fall, I will be going to Italy. That's right, ITALY! At least that's the plan. Considering that I'll be done with both my major and minor after this sem, all that's left is to take a bunch of electives to get the remaining required credit hours. So I figured, hey, why not do it abroad? :D
• Once I finish up that semester, I'll be done. Done with college! I'm wrapping up my college experience with a once-in-a-lifetime educational escapade in Europe! How do you like that alliteration? :P I'll have my Bachelor's degree, having finished up one semester early. Awesome!

So that's my list. It's not quite as long as I thought, but they're all kind of big stuff that intertwine and.. yeahh, it's just all pretty big stuff. :D

What happens after everything on that list has been checked off? I'm not quite sure yet, that part has me feeling kind of anxious. Hopefully I'll have a full-time job in line, that oughta get me started getting out into the "real world". I'll probably still stay at home for a while, although it would be pretty cool to get my own place.. all depends on the job situation, I reckon.

Regardless of my anxiousness towards getting out into the "real world" and really starting my own life, I'm so completely stoked to get this year going. This semester so far has been a drag, I'm just ready for it to be summer and get the balls rolling and move on to more exciting things! Like ITALY! I can't express enough how excited I am for that. Little anxioiusness in regards to that too, but mostly excitement right now. I have so many friends this semester that are studying abroad, so I'm living vicariously through them until it's my turn. I can't wait! That's kind of why I'm looking to blog more this year, I def want to keep an updated blog when I'm abroad so I can let my friends & family back here know how I'm doing. :) (and then they can live vicariously through me! ;P)

Also, summer is very much awaited b/c I am so, so tired of the cold D: I want to wear cute outfits that don't require layers and layers upon layers. I want to get more sundresses and be all cute in the summertime, haha. And, of course, I am already very much tired of the homework of this semester, there's very little excitement in them, so it just makes my waiting process feel even longer. :(

We had a snow day here in St. Mary's though, the college actually closed for the day, so no classes, so one more day of laziness. So the cold was good for that one thing, but not much else. I haven't left the house since Friday, the amount of snow out there is ridiculous and I rather like the warmth of my blankets upon blankets inside :)

Seeing as I've just started rambling here now, I think I'll just end with a couple pictures of the crazy snow that we got this weekend (second winter storm in the county! Unusual for us, but kind of cool I guess).

As I said.. crazy!

Getting into You

When I made up my mind, and my heart along with that, to live not for myself, but yet for God, somebody said, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

When I finally ironed out all of my priorities, and asked God to remove the doubt that makes me so unsure of these things I ask myself, I ask myself, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

"I'm getting into You because you got to me in a way words can't describe."
"I'm getting into you because I've got to be your essential to survive - I'm gonna love you with my life."

When He looked at me and said, "I kind of view you as a son," and for one second our eyes met, and I met that with a question: "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"

"I'm getting into You because you got to me in a way words can't describe."
"I'm getting into you because I've got to be your essential to survive - I'm gonna love you with my life."

I've been a liar, and I'll never amount to the kind of person You deserve to worship You. You say You will not dwell on what I did, but what I do; You say, "I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."

"I'm getting into You because you got to me in a way words can't describe."
"I'm getting into you because I've got to be your essential to survive - I'm gonna love you with my life."

You said, "I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."
- "Getting into You" by Relient K

That's what I want. I want to "get into" the Lord, but I don't exactly know how. I know that I believe in Him, I believe in Our Lord Jesus Christ, that He is the only way to salvation, that He died on that cross so that we might be forgiven for our sins and have eternal salvation. My head gets all that, and yet I still don't feel like my heart has fully accepted it.

I know that God should be first and foremost in my life, and yet, I'm still so attached to all of the material stuff. I'm self-centered. I need to humble myself before the Lord, and yet I don't. I have been blessed with so, so much in my life, and I still take it for granted. I'm very attached to my life here on earth.

What is it going to take to make me let that go and accept the Lord fully into my heart?

I've been reading the Left Behind books, and it amazes me - the passion and faith that the characters have developed in a matter of weeks. Granted, they were all deeply affected by the Rapture taking away many of their loved ones to the point that they finally came to the realization that only the Lord could have done something so great.. but I really don't want that to be what it takes to convince me. I mean, I am convinced that there is a Lord. I guess I mean that I don't want something that huge, that monumental that it would be ludicrous not to believe in the Lord to get me to accept Him into my heart. I want to be able to do that on my own.

Maybe that's the problem. I'm still trying to do things myself. I know that I need the Lord, but I'm still so self-righteous that I'm not accepting His help in reaching Him or something. It's so confusing. I have so many people around me that encourage me and can influence me, but I still feel like this is something I need to do on my own.. well, I guess just me and the Lord. It only makes it harder that it feels like I almost lead a double life, at least regarding religion. With my family, I practice Catholicism. I've grown up with it my whole life, but no one ever laid out our beliefs and actually explained to me why we believe that, pointed to scripture as a reference and all that. So i participate in all these practices, but I don't necessarily understand them. Then I have all my friends that go to Leonardtown Baptist, and I admire their passion and enthusiasm and understanding of their faith so much.. Because of those things, often I find myself leaning towards wanting to believe what they believe, because they can explain why they do.

Even so, I still sort of shy away from being absolutely committal to both. I know that to figure out my own faith I need to consider everything and make my own decision. I can't be biased and, in a way, give in to "peer pressure" and choose just because it's what my family or my friends believe. I need to make the decision. Nobody else can make it for me. Nobody else can make me accept the Lord into my heart.

I need to do this, somehow, someday, hopefully sooner rather than later. It's something only I can do for myself, and yet something in me feels the need to share this, rather than keep it inside. It's been an ongoing internal conflict for a pretty good while now. I always feel nervous and anxious talking to people about religion, simply because I haven't figured it out for myself yet, and that scares me. I really, really want to though. Maybe all I need right now are some encouraging words. Maybe I'm hoping the Lord will speak through one of you and tell me what I need to hear to help me on my journey. Maybe I just needed to let this all out whether or not I get a response - to lay all my thoughts out in a way that leads me to the realization of just what I need to do.

No one told me the right way, the right way to go about this, so I'll figure it out for myself. 'Cuz how much is too much to give you? Well, I may never know, so I'll just give until there's nothing else.

Yeah, I'll give give give - until there's nothing else
Give my all - until it all runs out
Give, give - and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left.

Sometimes it seems like all I ever do is ask for things until I ask too much of You. But that's not the way I wanna live; I need to change.. but something's got to give. Yeah, something's got to

Give give give - until there's nothing else
Give my all - until it all runs out
Give, give - and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left.
- "Give Until There's Nothing Left" by Relient K

Life goes on.

Yesterday was Commencement at my school, St. Mary's College of Maryland, for the Class of 2009. The commencement speaker was Frank Warren of PostSecret, which I thought was really awesome. I didn't get to listen to his speech or even see the ceremony cuz I was working across campus at the store, but I still thought it was cool that he was the speaker. He posted his remarks on the PostSecret website today, so at least I still got to read what he had said. He talked about making sure you keep in touch with all of the people who made your college experience wonderful, because those are relationships that should be cherished.

So I thought ahead two years to when I myself am going to be graduating from St. Mary's College of Maryland. I imagined somebody saying something like that to me then, and well, I haven't gotten the same type of college experience that most other people get. I'm a commuter, I still live at home, so I haven't formed the same types of relationships that campus residents get with their roommates and other people that live on campus, since well, they're on campus together all the time. Granted, I have met a good number of cool people on campus since I started there, and I definitely knew more seniors this year from working with them in the Fishbowl as fellow math majors and all, and it would've been cool to see them graduate, but I still never got really close to them to the point of hanging out outside of school-related stuff. It does make me a little sad, because it would've been awesome to chill with them and get to know them more.. I might still see a couple around if they get jobs locally, or if they're staying on for another year for the MAT program, but I dunno.

I think my experience at my own commencement in Spring 2011 will be even more different in the fact that I'll have already earned my B.S. in Math like six months prior b/c I'm graduating a semester early. I'm going to work crazy hard this coming school year and finish up my Math major and Econ minor, then I'm taking a semester abroad in Italy just to finish up the required credit hours. So I can get my sense of accomplishment and actually making it through my undergrad career in December 2010. My last semester of college (assuming I don't go to grad school, which I'm really leaning to not wanting to go..) is going to be in Italy! It's going to be awesoooome!

Anyway, even though I haven't gotten a "typical college experience," I know I'm lucky. It's been two years since I started college, but I still have my four best friends from high school (my lovely LC Girls :]). We may not see each other as often anymore, but I consider us to still be close. We haven't all moved away or anything and had to really work to keep in touch, but I dunno. I've lost friends even before high school ended.. I know that it happens, and it sucks, but it helps me really realize who my true friends are and who I'm truly blessed to have, you know? I have some wonderful people in my live and I am so glad. I know who the people are that count, and even if they're not my college buddies, I've known them for even longer and I think that's even better. I really hope we don't end up losing touch some day. We're all getting to that point in our lives where we're really starting our own lives; Samm and Kurt are getting married in two years.. Fields and I are pretty serious, and I think Tommy and Jess are, too. We're going to be starting our own families and really branching off, so it is possible that we'll lose touch, but I just really hope it doesn't happen. We've been together so long, and been through so much, we just gotta keep the LC Girls going. :]

My Life's To-Do List:

So I kind of had something really similar to this like two Decembers ago, so I guess this is kind of just an update. As usual, I've had a lot of thoughts just swimming through my head lately that I've built up the need to organize them and get them out.

Thus, I present my current Life To-Do List, including both long-term goals and some stuff that I should really make a daily habit:

• find my faith
• read my Bible regularly, if not daily
• really think about why we do the things we do/learn about our practices
• construct and build up a strong relationship with God and Jesus
• write (a) letter(s) to Jesus to figure out what's really on my mind and why everything's been such a struggle
• open my heart to forgiveness and letting go of the past; move on to a future filled with hope and optimism.
  
• appreciate my life.

• exercise regularly
  
• take up piano again
• learn how to cook!
• take up drawing again/find some artistic outlet as a hobby (?)
  
• work on my posture (this is kind of minor, but I guess it will be important in the long run - I don't want to become a hunchback or anything! haha)
• maintain my self-esteem. I am the way I am because God made me this way, and it'll do me absolutely no good to look down on myself. I just have to fully accept myself as a person, and I think I'll be happier for it once I fully grasp that.
  

I feel like I've got more to this list that's just escaping me right now.. maybe I'll just keep updating this as they come to me.

change.

Funny how practically a year & one month ago, I had another blog with the same title, on the same subject, but this time it's kind of an entirely different context. Last time I wanted change.. now some change is happening & I'm not sure how I feel about it.

2008 is coming to a close; so much has happened, and granted, it's definitely been a great year, particularly regarding my relationship with Fields. We've been officially dating now for five months and some, and this whole time I've gotten to know him and grow closer to him has been absolutely wonderful. He is so supportive and sweet, I really feel so lucky to have him. I honestly think I love him. As we all know, love is such a confusing and confounding topic, but I feel I care deeply enough for him that love is the only word I can think of to describe it. I want to tell him, but at the same time I'm being stubborn enough to want him to say it first, haha. There are times when he looks at me that I can pretty much feel that he feels the same for me, but I still want to hear it from him first. Basically, he's amazing. I'm being redundant about it, but seriously, I can't get over it - being with him.. it's bliss. He makes me feel so cared about. He makes me feel cherished, and I think that's the way I should feel in a relationship. It makes me feel like this one can really last, & I honestly hope it does. I've already envisioned what it could be like, but as always, we'll just have to wait and see there, hehe.

So the wonderfulness that has been my experiences so far with Fields has taken up most of the year, but of course, there are still other things on my mind (I can't ever seem to stop thinking). One that I've been discussing a little bit some earlier with Samm concerns our friendships.. with the LC girls, with other friends in general. It's been a year and a half since we graduated high school, and even though most of us are still around, we've.. not necessarily drifted, but we've definitely seen each other less and in some aspects, some of us aren't as close as we used to be. With Kirsten, since she left to go to Grove City College this past semester, I personally kind of feel like I'm losing her to her college roomies, she's so tight with them now since they live together, I kind of feel like they share a closer bond with her than I do. Jessica I hardly ever see/talk to nowadays even though she's still here.. I have no idea what's going on with Ashley, & with Samm I understand that Kurt is her number one, & that's okay. We both agree that we think the LC girls will always be friends, we'll always be there for each other even if we're not as close as we used to be.. I guess I'm just afraid of us being so distant that we won't be comfortable with each other anymore.

I think about Erin, and it leaves me aghast at how much she's changed since we called ourselves best friends. We grew in completely different directions. I feel like I'm still more or less the same person, with improvements. I still have my morals and general beliefs and principles, but I've gained maturity and sense and a greater assurance of the kind of person I want to be. Erin, on the other hand, has lost all faith in God, she's in a way reckless, spiteful (especially towards her Mom), and she's hiding things from her family. She's making her own decisions about her life, but I don't feel like they're leading her in a good direction. It's concerning to hear her admit that she's probably going to Hell and laugh about it. I wish I could help her find the Lord again, but since that's something I'm still working on for myself, I don't even know what I could begin to say to her, and it just makes me feel remorseful in how things have turned out there.

Which brings me to the other thing that's been on my mind for a while. For a good while now, kind of since I've been hanging out with the LBC church group, I've been wanting to strengthen my relationship with God. I still do. I just still haven't quite figured out how to do it. Thankfully, Fields wants to help me out there, and we're supposed to have a talk at some point just discussing religion in general and whatever thoughts the both of us have about it. He wants to be an encouragement there, and I'm so grateful.

My thoughts are kind of scattered and undefined, but I'll try to lay them out here.. prolly make it easier for me to voice them whenever Fields & I do end up having that conversation.

1. I don't quite understand why there needs to be so many different denominations for people who share the same (or at least similar) beliefs.
All of us Christians believe in God, and in Jesus Christ, who died for our sins. I don't like the feel of a sort of segregation between my Catholic practices and the LBC group's Baptist practices. I definitely feel comfortable with the LBC group, I like how open they are and how.. free their prayers are. Like with Catholicism, we have our structure. We say the same standard prayers every week, and I feel like meaning gets lost there. I feel like I almost sort of have two different religious modes. With the LBC group, I kind of take up their customs.. I don't do the sign of the cross when we pray, stuff like that. I pray the standard "Bless us, O Lord, & these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, through Christ our Lord. Amen." with my family before meals (when I remember). I like the Baptist practices more, I feel like they're more expressive and passionate and help me feel closer to God because the prayers aren't just recited, they're thought out and come from the heart. But then I feel bad, like I'm not supposed to feel like that, because then I might be "converted" from Catholicism.

2. I want to learn so much, but I'm afraid to ask.
I feel like the questions I have are silly and things that I should know, because the others seem to. I don't really remember ever learning anything as a youngen in CCD classes, so I definitely am not that familiar with the Bible, I don't know where things are in it, I don't know the history of a lot of the passages.. basically I know the generic stuff about the Bible, stuff even non-religious people know and can associate with Christianity: Adam & Eve, the Great Flood, Moses, stuff like that. I know I should read my Bible more, but I think I need to find a way to get the most out of what I read to where I really think about it and can apply its meaning to my life.

3. I don't actually know what differences there are, or similarities, between Catholics and Baptists.
I'm thinking Fields might be able to help me out with this one. I want to not feel like it's a bad thing to like how the Baptists express their faith. I want to know the differences in beliefs and practices. On a slightly different note, I'd also like to know why we believe the things that we do, practice the things we do, as Catholics.. example: I know we Catholics worship the Virgin Mary, while Baptists don't really. We believe in saints, they don't. We go to Confession, have the Eucharist every week.. I guess I want to know why they don't do any of that. Do they still observe the seven sacraments? Reconciliation is one of them, but like I said, I don't think they have Confession like we do. What's the difference between a Baptist pastor and a Catholic priest? Why is Sunday dress sometimes an issue? Like, I've only been to the LBC services a couple times, but I know they dress up more than we do at our Catholic mass at our chapel on base.. With the LBC group, I feel like I might offend somebody if I brought up the notion of wearing jeans to church... but I wear jeans to church most of the time - with a nice shirt, granted, but I dunno..

Hmmm.. now I'm struggling to think of whatever other thoughts I have, but I do feel like there are more. This definitely has helped though to sort some out, maybe I'll think of more when Fields & I actually have this talk.. either way, a lot has been on my mind, especially reflecting on the last year and what all changes have occurred. Guess I'll wrap this up now at approximately 130 am, I definitely need to go get my sleep. Next time I write will probably be next year - I wonder how much will have changed from now until then.

enlightenment.

hah, funny how my last post was on July 16 this past summer, talking about how hopefully fields & i would be official soon.. he talked to my dad that day & we became officially official on July 17. lol, guess my wish came true :P

so now we're at the present day, September 30, 2008. I'm about a month into the fall 08 semester, & so far it seems to be going okay. i do miss summer and not having any homework, but i've been making sure that i stay ahead on my homework load because i don't want to get stressed out, and i definitely can't just ignore my homework altogether.. so the logical and smart thing to do is get it done asap. so far it's been working out pretty well. right now my hw is sorta starting to pile up again, but it's just a matter of time management. i can do this. i can handle it. can't wait til winter break though, the holidays, parties, hanging out, break from school, hehe.

the reason i'm blogging today is actually because of tonight's Bible Study, which was our second segment on the book of Galatians. as usual i mostly just sat there and observed, listened, taking in what the others had to say since i don't really have much to input, i feel like i don't know enough to really be able to analyze things as much as i could, so i get more out of hearing what everyone else says. Paul's letter to the Galatians talks about how salvation is not attained thru your works and following the law, it is given and justified thru your faith. Spin, Huggy, & Colvin said quite a bit on the subject, but Huggy in particular went off on a tangent that I agreed with and wanted to make a note of.. we all agreed that salvation is given to you based on your faith, but the rather controversial bit of tonight's study was: what about the law? is it overridden by faith, as in we don't have to follow it anymore? Huggy's affirmation was no, we don't just dismiss it.. we're granted salvation thru our faith, and then the laws provide guidelines to live by, so that we don't fall deeper into sin. God gave us the laws (such as the commandments) to help us along in our lives so that when it is over, we can enjoy our salvation with Him. then Spin chimed in agreement, saying that the laws aren't there to make us feel guilty, they're there to help guide us and enforce our faith.. our following the laws is a byproduct of our faith, & maybe in following the laws we can also feel stronger in our faith at the same time, too. I don't remember exactly how either of them worded things, but I thought it was pretty profound, and I definitely agreed. It's all just really interesting to think about.

Lately I feel like a lot of what I do when I'm around people is sort of just, internally step back and observe, maybe do some comparisons with how I live my life. I feel really lucky to have these kinds of people as influences on my life, and I look back on my experiences, compare how I've lived to how I live now, and I have to say, I am definitely much more satisfied with my life as it is now. I know I still have a lot of growing to do as a person, but I'm glad I've made it this far and matured this much. I know I'm not perfect, but I like the direction that my life is taking, and I will just continue to strive toward the path that will take me closer to God.

hey there,

long time no see.
it's been a while since i updated this again, it just seems that i'm not very good at keeping up to date with daily journal type things.

here's what's going on in my life right now:
summer 2008, working & hanging out basically.
fields & i are fantastic, still as of right now unofficial, but hopefully that is very soon to change. we pretty much are together, he just needs to go thru the courtesy of talking to my dad to make it well, officially official, haha. he is basically amazing, i have to say. it's only been about seven months since we started talking & liking each other and whatnot, & in that time, we've grown so close. it hasn't even been rushed or anything, we've had time to take it slow and just talk and get to know each other without it being all about physical affection, which is truly refreshing.. just knowing that he really cares about me for me. he listens, he understands, he's really supportive and encouraging.. i really don't know how i got so lucky. it's funny cuz i never saw any of this coming.. after i broke up with john, i figured i was done with relationships for a while. i was just going to have fun, hang out with my girls, & enjoy the drama-free single life. what's happened with fields kind of just snuck up on me.. but it's truly been a blessing. :] so hopefully real soon i can call him my official boyfriend, hehe. i feel kind of bad b/c i feel like maybe he might be a little pressured to talk to my dad cuz i keep asking if he's done it yet.. i think i'll lay off on that for awhile & just see what happens, hehe. dad already thinks he's my boyfriend anyway, it's really funny :P

other than that, my family & i are going to japan for two weeks, which should be loads of fun :] we're going to pig out & shop like mad :D should be a good time, hopefully there will be some good quality family bonding time, hehe.

school starts in like a month and a half, on september 2nd, which seems like a while from now, but i just know it's going to creep up on me. i feel kind of ready to start school already, but at the same time definitely not.. i like the feeling of not having homework to do or assigned readings to attend to, hehe. it's certainly much more relaxing. i just hope that when the semester does start, i won't have too much reading to do, and i won't get stressed out too much, and i'll still have time to unwind, relax, & hang out. but part of me is looking forward to school starting up again, to just get into that routine and get things accomplished, move forward in my life.

i've been contemplating studying abroad for a semester, and i think this coming spring would be a good time to do that. then when i get back it's another four months of summer vacation.. plus this coming spring, fields is going to be gone for three months anyway, doing a rotation for work thing that's slated to last from like march to may, i think. good time to go off and see the world, yes? i've been trying to look online about information about all that, but i think my best bet would be to go to some of the informational sessions they have during the semester. right now i'm thinking, italy, japan, thailand, or the UK would be really awesome to go to. thing is, after this coming fall 08 semester is over, i'll have already completed my general education requirements, so i'm hoping that i'll be able to take courses that'll work towards whatever degree i'm going to get here. on that note, i've still been saying that i'll probably end up a math major, but i still haven't figured out what i'm going to do with it if i do. computer science is a possible minor/double major as well, but we'll have to see. i need to take the intro course for that sometime. but yeahh, since i always liked math during high school and before, i really hope that that can still be applicable in college. my first choice of linear algebra wasn't the best, but i'm giving college math another chance. we'll see how that goes. i just hope i can figure out a good career i'll be happy with before i graduate. admirable goal, no? hehe.

in other news, i've still obviously been hanging out with the LBC Church group, and they're all still amazing. it makes me think about my faith and religion all the more. i know there are differences, but there are many similarities, too. i'm still just trying to learn about it all. it's the same God, the same Bible (more or less), still His Word, & the same Jesus Christ that died for our sins.. so i don't really understand why there has to be a distinction between all the denominations & branches of Christianity and whatnot. that's something i still have yet to get a grasp on. because every now and then mom keeps bringing up how i might be 'converted' or whatever.. when really i'm just trying to learn. and i think if i decided to become a Baptist it wouldn't be such a bad thing. this week the Virgin Mary statue is at our house, which means we have this booklet to go thru of prayers & praying the rosary.. i asked my mom yesterday after we were done why we did it, b/c some of the stuff in the booklet was outta date.. like there was something in there about "the conversion of Russia" or something, i don't really know. she kind of got defensive and just kept saying we're praying for everybody and so we have to pray it a lot. which is fine & all, i just want to understand the purpose of it.. like i think you can still pray for everyone without repeating standardized prayers.. in my opinion, faith is all in putting meaning behind your prayers. i don't particularly like i guess the whole droning on of standardized prayers, b/c it's so easy to get lost in what you're saying & just routinely say it w/o thinking about what exactly it is you're saying. so.. i dunno. i'm still very confused on all of this, but i hope to learn more about the differences in beliefs and figure out what i want to choose for myself as i go along.

2008!

i personally think it's pretty insane that it's already 2008.
2007 was a big year for me, i think.
graduation, hitting the big one-eight, starting college, letting go of things that needed to be let go of.
i look back & feel like i've gone thru a lot, i've definitely had my share of drama that most likely could have been avoided. i'm glad that i've grown to be the person i am now, & i'm glad to know that i still have a lot of time ahead of me to fully figure out this person i want to be.
all this winter break i have surrounded myself with good friends, & it has been fantastic.
tonight, i'm going to heather's debut, her fancy smanshy 18th birthday party where i'll unfortunately find myself in the midst of some friends i've lost or drifted from and people i don't really know & would honestly rather not be with.
i've even sort of lost touch with the friends in cali since everything that's happened with john.
i really have not felt inclined to talk to him lately, it's just not fun because i know he still wants more than friendship, or there's something he's trying to find out in asking what's going on in my life. with any other friend, it's an honest enough question, but with him, it's like he's prying, & it's just not cool.
no, i'm most comfortable with my LC girls, specifically kirsten & jessica. samm & ash seem to be the next ones to drift away.. samm more so. *sigh* it happens, i know, but it's still sad nonetheless. i really hope that kirsten & i won't. jessica, too, but kirsten & i are closer. anyway, the four of us (minus samm, who's always working, unfortunately) have been hanging out with the church group all break, so i've been getting to know them & we're all becoming closer friends, too. i love it.
i'm making new friends, but they're not to sit in place of the old ones. they're making new spots of their own in my hearts, & the old spots of the friends who have drifted will always be there, rather sad, but oh well. life goes on.
here's to another year, hoping that all goes well for everyone.

GOAL(S)!

11pm & i'm just about to head to bed to catch some shuteye before i take two of my finals tomorrow. i sure hope i'm prepared enough! my studying kind of diminished as i got to the end & my brain cells decided they were exhausted or something.

anyway, i kept thinking all day & really just for a while now of a bunch of stuff that i want/need to do, so i thought i could put up a list in here :]

wants/goals for winter break:

• clean room
• rearrange room
• reorganize my corkboard
  
• clean bathroom
• paint my school tote bag
• get in some leisurely reading
• establish some sort of exercise routine (DDR!? :P)
  

wants/goals for life in general:

• read the whole Bible
• strengthen my faith
• take up piano again
• feel genuinely good about my life & myself :]

yep yep. i feel like there was more than that, but i can't think of anymore right now. anyway, i'm pretty excited still about the semester being over & winter break & potentially more hangout time & all that jazz. also, i am uber excited about my christmas present that i am just so anxious to use alreadyyy. i've got some like, picture ideas in my head, and it makes me feel artistic again, only this time i'm not all emo over some guy who broke up with me, aha. sony cybershot dsc-w80. woo, what a delight x]

night owl much?

My mom's right, staying up this late can't be good for me, haha.
So it's one in the morning, & I find myself actually not all that sleepy, but I have six and a half hours to sleep until I ought to get up & shower & prep myself for church. So even though I'm not particularly sleepy, hopefully my body is tired enough to pass out once I fall into bed. :P

Update on my life's events:
last night (Friday) I participated in an amazingly fun game of floor hockey, without hardly any particular rules. What a blast. xD The people I know are pretty awesome :]
that game has left me sore, but it was well worth it. Exercise AND tons of fun, woo!
I'm wondering if maybe during Christmas break I can get in some sort of established routine with DDR.. that could be beneficial to my health, seeing as I have been for all my life, physically unfit, as far as I can tell. xD

So this upcoming week is going to be pretty busy, but I'm looking forward to it - not so much the taking-final-exams part, but I think I'll be ready for them. (I hope so, anyway). I've been progressively studying through this last week, & I'll be doing some more tomorrow & most likely the next couple days after. Wednesday brings a conclusion to the final exams, as well as the semester. Yay for a successful first college semester! Well, I suppose I should wait to say that once I finish with the exams & get my grades & all. But I feel that thus far my college experience has been.. fruitful? (That sounds like a good word to use but doesn't quite feel right, haha.)
Anyway, what I mean is, it's been fun. Crazy busy, emotionally-driven (not really directly related to school, but hey, it's my life), but pretty fun all the same. My classes weren't atrocious, I've met pretty cool people at work & I do generally enjoy my job, so yeah, all in all, good semester experience in my book. Especially since I haven't gotten into that whole college party/drinking scene. Gotta say, I love being straightedge. & I'm uber glad that my friends are, too, & that I can still see them around & hang out from time to time since we're all still in the county.

Alright, alright.
Sore floor hockey fun,
[oh yeah, side note. part of my first ever floor hockey experience was sliding to the ground thanks to gravity and quite an impact. so this guy josh & i were on opposing teams, so logically, we were going in opposite directions. both of us are after the ball (serving as a hockey puck), running towards each other, hockey sticks out to thwack the ball. so in this process of running, we ram right into each other, and well, he's bigger than i am, & i remember feeling myself ram into his shoulder, and then i think i spun around & steadily lowered myself to the ground, legs flailing. i landed on my butt, legs spread out, facing the opposite direction and feeling quite dazed. i could feel my eyes water and it felt like the wind was knocked out of me, but i was quite amused all the same. my head felt like stuff had been rattled inside, like it was vibrating or something, but really, i was fine, just a little shook up is all. good times. :P]

okay, so again, trying to wrap this up:
sore floor hockey fun,
impending final exams & satisfactory semester completion,
bible study this week,
a plan to camwhore with kirsten on thursday,
followed by shopping with jessica & kirsten's christmas party on friday.
what fun, what funnn. i'm excited for winter break to commence! :]

change

we live and we learn
to take one step at a time,
there's no need to rush.
it's like learning to fly,
or falling in love.
it's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen
that we find the reasons why

one step at a time.

- "One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks

Routine is nice, it's stable.

but I think I'm ready for a change.
Even in just little things:
new hairstyle,
new room arrangement,
I've been planning those two for a while but haven't gotten around to it yet.
Sometimes my life feels really boring, but I know I'm really lucky to have it.
All of the people and things that I know and love make my life pretty wonderful.
I don't know if you can call it selfish, but I think I'm still waiting for something more.
I'm waiting for that something amazing, some life-defining.. thing that'll just make whatever crap I've been through in the past feel worthwhile to get at that meaningful point in my life.
I want to find my happily ever after, figure out what exactly I'm going to do with my life, and be satisfied with it.
I think it'd be really cool to be famous, perform or something, buuut.. I think I sort of lack in that talent department. Yeah, there's definitely downs to being famous, lack of privacy, rumors, crazed fans, but I dunno.. definitely seems like an amazing experience so long as you keep your head on right and don't get into all that bad stuff.
Anyway, it seems God has something smaller planned for me, I just don't know what yet. I'm eager to find out, though. Until I do, I'll just keep trying my best in school, and try to improve myself however I see fit.

So yup, right now, I've got some studying to do. I have this last upcoming week of normal classes left, and then the Monday thru Wednesday after that are final exams (wish me luck! :]). I think residences officially close for winter break on the 14th, so I'll probably still be working til then. I've been asked if I want to work some days over break, and sure, it'd be cool to have some extra money, but I do like my sleep-and-lounging-about-doing-nothing-in-particular time, so we'll see about that. :P

intro?

so i made this blogger thing last night, & i'm not 100% sure on what compelled me to do so.
honestly, i was bored, watching jonas brothers videos on youtube, & eventually ended up on their bassist greg garbo's blog, & iono, it just looked really fun :]

i mean i've had journals and xanga before, but i look back, & all that really was was teen angst. sure, there's still quite a bit of it around, but i'm trying to grow up. i'll always be a kid at heart (life's a bit more fun that way) but i think i can still be a kid while being a sensible person as well. ..not really sure if that's the right word to use, but i have the idea in my head of what i mean.

i'm starting this blog for myself.
no doubt i'll probably share this with my friends and whatnot eventually, but for now, i think i'll keep it to myself.
i want to set myself on a start to being more optimistic, learning to really appreciate my life & all i've been blessed with, and just.. iono, enjoying what i've got.
i'm a normal kid, nothing all too special (then again, we're all special in our own ways, right? i think i learned that from Barney the purple dinosaur as a youngen :P).
i'd love to be able to just naturally come up with something witty or profound to stick in here for the amusement of others as well as myself, to get some attention (hey, i'm human, hah) but yeah. i dunno. my objective right now is to strengthen my faith and appreciate what i've got.

time to get started :]