change.

Funny how practically a year & one month ago, I had another blog with the same title, on the same subject, but this time it's kind of an entirely different context. Last time I wanted change.. now some change is happening & I'm not sure how I feel about it.

2008 is coming to a close; so much has happened, and granted, it's definitely been a great year, particularly regarding my relationship with Fields. We've been officially dating now for five months and some, and this whole time I've gotten to know him and grow closer to him has been absolutely wonderful. He is so supportive and sweet, I really feel so lucky to have him. I honestly think I love him. As we all know, love is such a confusing and confounding topic, but I feel I care deeply enough for him that love is the only word I can think of to describe it. I want to tell him, but at the same time I'm being stubborn enough to want him to say it first, haha. There are times when he looks at me that I can pretty much feel that he feels the same for me, but I still want to hear it from him first. Basically, he's amazing. I'm being redundant about it, but seriously, I can't get over it - being with him.. it's bliss. He makes me feel so cared about. He makes me feel cherished, and I think that's the way I should feel in a relationship. It makes me feel like this one can really last, & I honestly hope it does. I've already envisioned what it could be like, but as always, we'll just have to wait and see there, hehe.

So the wonderfulness that has been my experiences so far with Fields has taken up most of the year, but of course, there are still other things on my mind (I can't ever seem to stop thinking). One that I've been discussing a little bit some earlier with Samm concerns our friendships.. with the LC girls, with other friends in general. It's been a year and a half since we graduated high school, and even though most of us are still around, we've.. not necessarily drifted, but we've definitely seen each other less and in some aspects, some of us aren't as close as we used to be. With Kirsten, since she left to go to Grove City College this past semester, I personally kind of feel like I'm losing her to her college roomies, she's so tight with them now since they live together, I kind of feel like they share a closer bond with her than I do. Jessica I hardly ever see/talk to nowadays even though she's still here.. I have no idea what's going on with Ashley, & with Samm I understand that Kurt is her number one, & that's okay. We both agree that we think the LC girls will always be friends, we'll always be there for each other even if we're not as close as we used to be.. I guess I'm just afraid of us being so distant that we won't be comfortable with each other anymore.

I think about Erin, and it leaves me aghast at how much she's changed since we called ourselves best friends. We grew in completely different directions. I feel like I'm still more or less the same person, with improvements. I still have my morals and general beliefs and principles, but I've gained maturity and sense and a greater assurance of the kind of person I want to be. Erin, on the other hand, has lost all faith in God, she's in a way reckless, spiteful (especially towards her Mom), and she's hiding things from her family. She's making her own decisions about her life, but I don't feel like they're leading her in a good direction. It's concerning to hear her admit that she's probably going to Hell and laugh about it. I wish I could help her find the Lord again, but since that's something I'm still working on for myself, I don't even know what I could begin to say to her, and it just makes me feel remorseful in how things have turned out there.

Which brings me to the other thing that's been on my mind for a while. For a good while now, kind of since I've been hanging out with the LBC church group, I've been wanting to strengthen my relationship with God. I still do. I just still haven't quite figured out how to do it. Thankfully, Fields wants to help me out there, and we're supposed to have a talk at some point just discussing religion in general and whatever thoughts the both of us have about it. He wants to be an encouragement there, and I'm so grateful.

My thoughts are kind of scattered and undefined, but I'll try to lay them out here.. prolly make it easier for me to voice them whenever Fields & I do end up having that conversation.

1. I don't quite understand why there needs to be so many different denominations for people who share the same (or at least similar) beliefs.
All of us Christians believe in God, and in Jesus Christ, who died for our sins. I don't like the feel of a sort of segregation between my Catholic practices and the LBC group's Baptist practices. I definitely feel comfortable with the LBC group, I like how open they are and how.. free their prayers are. Like with Catholicism, we have our structure. We say the same standard prayers every week, and I feel like meaning gets lost there. I feel like I almost sort of have two different religious modes. With the LBC group, I kind of take up their customs.. I don't do the sign of the cross when we pray, stuff like that. I pray the standard "Bless us, O Lord, & these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, through Christ our Lord. Amen." with my family before meals (when I remember). I like the Baptist practices more, I feel like they're more expressive and passionate and help me feel closer to God because the prayers aren't just recited, they're thought out and come from the heart. But then I feel bad, like I'm not supposed to feel like that, because then I might be "converted" from Catholicism.

2. I want to learn so much, but I'm afraid to ask.
I feel like the questions I have are silly and things that I should know, because the others seem to. I don't really remember ever learning anything as a youngen in CCD classes, so I definitely am not that familiar with the Bible, I don't know where things are in it, I don't know the history of a lot of the passages.. basically I know the generic stuff about the Bible, stuff even non-religious people know and can associate with Christianity: Adam & Eve, the Great Flood, Moses, stuff like that. I know I should read my Bible more, but I think I need to find a way to get the most out of what I read to where I really think about it and can apply its meaning to my life.

3. I don't actually know what differences there are, or similarities, between Catholics and Baptists.
I'm thinking Fields might be able to help me out with this one. I want to not feel like it's a bad thing to like how the Baptists express their faith. I want to know the differences in beliefs and practices. On a slightly different note, I'd also like to know why we believe the things that we do, practice the things we do, as Catholics.. example: I know we Catholics worship the Virgin Mary, while Baptists don't really. We believe in saints, they don't. We go to Confession, have the Eucharist every week.. I guess I want to know why they don't do any of that. Do they still observe the seven sacraments? Reconciliation is one of them, but like I said, I don't think they have Confession like we do. What's the difference between a Baptist pastor and a Catholic priest? Why is Sunday dress sometimes an issue? Like, I've only been to the LBC services a couple times, but I know they dress up more than we do at our Catholic mass at our chapel on base.. With the LBC group, I feel like I might offend somebody if I brought up the notion of wearing jeans to church... but I wear jeans to church most of the time - with a nice shirt, granted, but I dunno..

Hmmm.. now I'm struggling to think of whatever other thoughts I have, but I do feel like there are more. This definitely has helped though to sort some out, maybe I'll think of more when Fields & I actually have this talk.. either way, a lot has been on my mind, especially reflecting on the last year and what all changes have occurred. Guess I'll wrap this up now at approximately 130 am, I definitely need to go get my sleep. Next time I write will probably be next year - I wonder how much will have changed from now until then.