Funny how practically a year & one month ago, I had another blog with the same title, on the same subject, but this time it's kind of an entirely different context. Last time I wanted change.. now some change is happening & I'm not sure how I feel about it.
2008 is coming to a close; so much has happened, and granted, it's definitely been a great year, particularly regarding my relationship with Fields. We've been officially dating now for five months and some, and this whole time I've gotten to know him and grow closer to him has been absolutely wonderful. He is so supportive and sweet, I really feel so lucky to have him. I honestly think I love him. As we all know, love is such a confusing and confounding topic, but I feel I care deeply enough for him that love is the only word I can think of to describe it. I want to tell him, but at the same time I'm being stubborn enough to want him to say it first, haha. There are times when he looks at me that I can pretty much feel that he feels the same for me, but I still want to hear it from him first. Basically, he's amazing. I'm being redundant about it, but seriously, I can't get over it - being with him.. it's bliss. He makes me feel so cared about. He makes me feel cherished, and I think that's the way I should feel in a relationship. It makes me feel like this one can really last, & I honestly hope it does. I've already envisioned what it could be like, but as always, we'll just have to wait and see there, hehe.
So the wonderfulness that has been my experiences so far with Fields has taken up most of the year, but of course, there are still other things on my mind (I can't ever seem to stop thinking). One that I've been discussing a little bit some earlier with Samm concerns our friendships.. with the LC girls, with other friends in general. It's been a year and a half since we graduated high school, and even though most of us are still around, we've.. not necessarily drifted, but we've definitely seen each other less and in some aspects, some of us aren't as close as we used to be. With Kirsten, since she left to go to Grove City College this past semester, I personally kind of feel like I'm losing her to her college roomies, she's so tight with them now since they live together, I kind of feel like they share a closer bond with her than I do. Jessica I hardly ever see/talk to nowadays even though she's still here.. I have no idea what's going on with Ashley, & with Samm I understand that Kurt is her number one, & that's okay. We both agree that we think the LC girls will always be friends, we'll always be there for each other even if we're not as close as we used to be.. I guess I'm just afraid of us being so distant that we won't be comfortable with each other anymore.
I think about Erin, and it leaves me aghast at how much she's changed since we called ourselves best friends. We grew in completely different directions. I feel like I'm still more or less the same person, with improvements. I still have my morals and general beliefs and principles, but I've gained maturity and sense and a greater assurance of the kind of person I want to be. Erin, on the other hand, has lost all faith in God, she's in a way reckless, spiteful (especially towards her Mom), and she's hiding things from her family. She's making her own decisions about her life, but I don't feel like they're leading her in a good direction. It's concerning to hear her admit that she's probably going to Hell and laugh about it. I wish I could help her find the Lord again, but since that's something I'm still working on for myself, I don't even know what I could begin to say to her, and it just makes me feel remorseful in how things have turned out there.
Which brings me to the other thing that's been on my mind for a while. For a good while now, kind of since I've been hanging out with the LBC church group, I've been wanting to strengthen my relationship with God. I still do. I just still haven't quite figured out how to do it. Thankfully, Fields wants to help me out there, and we're supposed to have a talk at some point just discussing religion in general and whatever thoughts the both of us have about it. He wants to be an encouragement there, and I'm so grateful.
My thoughts are kind of scattered and undefined, but I'll try to lay them out here.. prolly make it easier for me to voice them whenever Fields & I do end up having that conversation.
1. I don't quite understand why there needs to be so many different denominations for people who share the same (or at least similar) beliefs.
All of us Christians believe in God, and in Jesus Christ, who died for our sins. I don't like the feel of a sort of segregation between my Catholic practices and the LBC group's Baptist practices. I definitely feel comfortable with the LBC group, I like how open they are and how.. free their prayers are. Like with Catholicism, we have our structure. We say the same standard prayers every week, and I feel like meaning gets lost there. I feel like I almost sort of have two different religious modes. With the LBC group, I kind of take up their customs.. I don't do the sign of the cross when we pray, stuff like that. I pray the standard "Bless us, O Lord, & these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, through Christ our Lord. Amen." with my family before meals (when I remember). I like the Baptist practices more, I feel like they're more expressive and passionate and help me feel closer to God because the prayers aren't just recited, they're thought out and come from the heart. But then I feel bad, like I'm not supposed to feel like that, because then I might be "converted" from Catholicism.
2. I want to learn so much, but I'm afraid to ask.
I feel like the questions I have are silly and things that I should know, because the others seem to. I don't really remember ever learning anything as a youngen in CCD classes, so I definitely am not that familiar with the Bible, I don't know where things are in it, I don't know the history of a lot of the passages.. basically I know the generic stuff about the Bible, stuff even non-religious people know and can associate with Christianity: Adam & Eve, the Great Flood, Moses, stuff like that. I know I should read my Bible more, but I think I need to find a way to get the most out of what I read to where I really think about it and can apply its meaning to my life.
3. I don't actually know what differences there are, or similarities, between Catholics and Baptists.
I'm thinking Fields might be able to help me out with this one. I want to not feel like it's a bad thing to like how the Baptists express their faith. I want to know the differences in beliefs and practices. On a slightly different note, I'd also like to know why we believe the things that we do, practice the things we do, as Catholics.. example: I know we Catholics worship the Virgin Mary, while Baptists don't really. We believe in saints, they don't. We go to Confession, have the Eucharist every week.. I guess I want to know why they don't do any of that. Do they still observe the seven sacraments? Reconciliation is one of them, but like I said, I don't think they have Confession like we do. What's the difference between a Baptist pastor and a Catholic priest? Why is Sunday dress sometimes an issue? Like, I've only been to the LBC services a couple times, but I know they dress up more than we do at our Catholic mass at our chapel on base.. With the LBC group, I feel like I might offend somebody if I brought up the notion of wearing jeans to church... but I wear jeans to church most of the time - with a nice shirt, granted, but I dunno..
Hmmm.. now I'm struggling to think of whatever other thoughts I have, but I do feel like there are more. This definitely has helped though to sort some out, maybe I'll think of more when Fields & I actually have this talk.. either way, a lot has been on my mind, especially reflecting on the last year and what all changes have occurred. Guess I'll wrap this up now at approximately 130 am, I definitely need to go get my sleep. Next time I write will probably be next year - I wonder how much will have changed from now until then.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
enlightenment.
hah, funny how my last post was on July 16 this past summer, talking about how hopefully fields & i would be official soon.. he talked to my dad that day & we became officially official on July 17. lol, guess my wish came true :P
so now we're at the present day, September 30, 2008. I'm about a month into the fall 08 semester, & so far it seems to be going okay. i do miss summer and not having any homework, but i've been making sure that i stay ahead on my homework load because i don't want to get stressed out, and i definitely can't just ignore my homework altogether.. so the logical and smart thing to do is get it done asap. so far it's been working out pretty well. right now my hw is sorta starting to pile up again, but it's just a matter of time management. i can do this. i can handle it. can't wait til winter break though, the holidays, parties, hanging out, break from school, hehe.
the reason i'm blogging today is actually because of tonight's Bible Study, which was our second segment on the book of Galatians. as usual i mostly just sat there and observed, listened, taking in what the others had to say since i don't really have much to input, i feel like i don't know enough to really be able to analyze things as much as i could, so i get more out of hearing what everyone else says. Paul's letter to the Galatians talks about how salvation is not attained thru your works and following the law, it is given and justified thru your faith. Spin, Huggy, & Colvin said quite a bit on the subject, but Huggy in particular went off on a tangent that I agreed with and wanted to make a note of.. we all agreed that salvation is given to you based on your faith, but the rather controversial bit of tonight's study was: what about the law? is it overridden by faith, as in we don't have to follow it anymore? Huggy's affirmation was no, we don't just dismiss it.. we're granted salvation thru our faith, and then the laws provide guidelines to live by, so that we don't fall deeper into sin. God gave us the laws (such as the commandments) to help us along in our lives so that when it is over, we can enjoy our salvation with Him. then Spin chimed in agreement, saying that the laws aren't there to make us feel guilty, they're there to help guide us and enforce our faith.. our following the laws is a byproduct of our faith, & maybe in following the laws we can also feel stronger in our faith at the same time, too. I don't remember exactly how either of them worded things, but I thought it was pretty profound, and I definitely agreed. It's all just really interesting to think about.
Lately I feel like a lot of what I do when I'm around people is sort of just, internally step back and observe, maybe do some comparisons with how I live my life. I feel really lucky to have these kinds of people as influences on my life, and I look back on my experiences, compare how I've lived to how I live now, and I have to say, I am definitely much more satisfied with my life as it is now. I know I still have a lot of growing to do as a person, but I'm glad I've made it this far and matured this much. I know I'm not perfect, but I like the direction that my life is taking, and I will just continue to strive toward the path that will take me closer to God.
so now we're at the present day, September 30, 2008. I'm about a month into the fall 08 semester, & so far it seems to be going okay. i do miss summer and not having any homework, but i've been making sure that i stay ahead on my homework load because i don't want to get stressed out, and i definitely can't just ignore my homework altogether.. so the logical and smart thing to do is get it done asap. so far it's been working out pretty well. right now my hw is sorta starting to pile up again, but it's just a matter of time management. i can do this. i can handle it. can't wait til winter break though, the holidays, parties, hanging out, break from school, hehe.
the reason i'm blogging today is actually because of tonight's Bible Study, which was our second segment on the book of Galatians. as usual i mostly just sat there and observed, listened, taking in what the others had to say since i don't really have much to input, i feel like i don't know enough to really be able to analyze things as much as i could, so i get more out of hearing what everyone else says. Paul's letter to the Galatians talks about how salvation is not attained thru your works and following the law, it is given and justified thru your faith. Spin, Huggy, & Colvin said quite a bit on the subject, but Huggy in particular went off on a tangent that I agreed with and wanted to make a note of.. we all agreed that salvation is given to you based on your faith, but the rather controversial bit of tonight's study was: what about the law? is it overridden by faith, as in we don't have to follow it anymore? Huggy's affirmation was no, we don't just dismiss it.. we're granted salvation thru our faith, and then the laws provide guidelines to live by, so that we don't fall deeper into sin. God gave us the laws (such as the commandments) to help us along in our lives so that when it is over, we can enjoy our salvation with Him. then Spin chimed in agreement, saying that the laws aren't there to make us feel guilty, they're there to help guide us and enforce our faith.. our following the laws is a byproduct of our faith, & maybe in following the laws we can also feel stronger in our faith at the same time, too. I don't remember exactly how either of them worded things, but I thought it was pretty profound, and I definitely agreed. It's all just really interesting to think about.
Lately I feel like a lot of what I do when I'm around people is sort of just, internally step back and observe, maybe do some comparisons with how I live my life. I feel really lucky to have these kinds of people as influences on my life, and I look back on my experiences, compare how I've lived to how I live now, and I have to say, I am definitely much more satisfied with my life as it is now. I know I still have a lot of growing to do as a person, but I'm glad I've made it this far and matured this much. I know I'm not perfect, but I like the direction that my life is taking, and I will just continue to strive toward the path that will take me closer to God.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
hey there,
long time no see.
it's been a while since i updated this again, it just seems that i'm not very good at keeping up to date with daily journal type things.
here's what's going on in my life right now:
summer 2008, working & hanging out basically.
fields & i are fantastic, still as of right now unofficial, but hopefully that is very soon to change. we pretty much are together, he just needs to go thru the courtesy of talking to my dad to make it well, officially official, haha. he is basically amazing, i have to say. it's only been about seven months since we started talking & liking each other and whatnot, & in that time, we've grown so close. it hasn't even been rushed or anything, we've had time to take it slow and just talk and get to know each other without it being all about physical affection, which is truly refreshing.. just knowing that he really cares about me for me. he listens, he understands, he's really supportive and encouraging.. i really don't know how i got so lucky. it's funny cuz i never saw any of this coming.. after i broke up with john, i figured i was done with relationships for a while. i was just going to have fun, hang out with my girls, & enjoy the drama-free single life. what's happened with fields kind of just snuck up on me.. but it's truly been a blessing. :] so hopefully real soon i can call him my official boyfriend, hehe. i feel kind of bad b/c i feel like maybe he might be a little pressured to talk to my dad cuz i keep asking if he's done it yet.. i think i'll lay off on that for awhile & just see what happens, hehe. dad already thinks he's my boyfriend anyway, it's really funny :P
other than that, my family & i are going to japan for two weeks, which should be loads of fun :] we're going to pig out & shop like mad :D should be a good time, hopefully there will be some good quality family bonding time, hehe.
school starts in like a month and a half, on september 2nd, which seems like a while from now, but i just know it's going to creep up on me. i feel kind of ready to start school already, but at the same time definitely not.. i like the feeling of not having homework to do or assigned readings to attend to, hehe. it's certainly much more relaxing. i just hope that when the semester does start, i won't have too much reading to do, and i won't get stressed out too much, and i'll still have time to unwind, relax, & hang out. but part of me is looking forward to school starting up again, to just get into that routine and get things accomplished, move forward in my life.
i've been contemplating studying abroad for a semester, and i think this coming spring would be a good time to do that. then when i get back it's another four months of summer vacation.. plus this coming spring, fields is going to be gone for three months anyway, doing a rotation for work thing that's slated to last from like march to may, i think. good time to go off and see the world, yes? i've been trying to look online about information about all that, but i think my best bet would be to go to some of the informational sessions they have during the semester. right now i'm thinking, italy, japan, thailand, or the UK would be really awesome to go to. thing is, after this coming fall 08 semester is over, i'll have already completed my general education requirements, so i'm hoping that i'll be able to take courses that'll work towards whatever degree i'm going to get here. on that note, i've still been saying that i'll probably end up a math major, but i still haven't figured out what i'm going to do with it if i do. computer science is a possible minor/double major as well, but we'll have to see. i need to take the intro course for that sometime. but yeahh, since i always liked math during high school and before, i really hope that that can still be applicable in college. my first choice of linear algebra wasn't the best, but i'm giving college math another chance. we'll see how that goes. i just hope i can figure out a good career i'll be happy with before i graduate. admirable goal, no? hehe.
in other news, i've still obviously been hanging out with the LBC Church group, and they're all still amazing. it makes me think about my faith and religion all the more. i know there are differences, but there are many similarities, too. i'm still just trying to learn about it all. it's the same God, the same Bible (more or less), still His Word, & the same Jesus Christ that died for our sins.. so i don't really understand why there has to be a distinction between all the denominations & branches of Christianity and whatnot. that's something i still have yet to get a grasp on. because every now and then mom keeps bringing up how i might be 'converted' or whatever.. when really i'm just trying to learn. and i think if i decided to become a Baptist it wouldn't be such a bad thing. this week the Virgin Mary statue is at our house, which means we have this booklet to go thru of prayers & praying the rosary.. i asked my mom yesterday after we were done why we did it, b/c some of the stuff in the booklet was outta date.. like there was something in there about "the conversion of Russia" or something, i don't really know. she kind of got defensive and just kept saying we're praying for everybody and so we have to pray it a lot. which is fine & all, i just want to understand the purpose of it.. like i think you can still pray for everyone without repeating standardized prayers.. in my opinion, faith is all in putting meaning behind your prayers. i don't particularly like i guess the whole droning on of standardized prayers, b/c it's so easy to get lost in what you're saying & just routinely say it w/o thinking about what exactly it is you're saying. so.. i dunno. i'm still very confused on all of this, but i hope to learn more about the differences in beliefs and figure out what i want to choose for myself as i go along.
it's been a while since i updated this again, it just seems that i'm not very good at keeping up to date with daily journal type things.
here's what's going on in my life right now:
summer 2008, working & hanging out basically.
fields & i are fantastic, still as of right now unofficial, but hopefully that is very soon to change. we pretty much are together, he just needs to go thru the courtesy of talking to my dad to make it well, officially official, haha. he is basically amazing, i have to say. it's only been about seven months since we started talking & liking each other and whatnot, & in that time, we've grown so close. it hasn't even been rushed or anything, we've had time to take it slow and just talk and get to know each other without it being all about physical affection, which is truly refreshing.. just knowing that he really cares about me for me. he listens, he understands, he's really supportive and encouraging.. i really don't know how i got so lucky. it's funny cuz i never saw any of this coming.. after i broke up with john, i figured i was done with relationships for a while. i was just going to have fun, hang out with my girls, & enjoy the drama-free single life. what's happened with fields kind of just snuck up on me.. but it's truly been a blessing. :] so hopefully real soon i can call him my official boyfriend, hehe. i feel kind of bad b/c i feel like maybe he might be a little pressured to talk to my dad cuz i keep asking if he's done it yet.. i think i'll lay off on that for awhile & just see what happens, hehe. dad already thinks he's my boyfriend anyway, it's really funny :P
other than that, my family & i are going to japan for two weeks, which should be loads of fun :] we're going to pig out & shop like mad :D should be a good time, hopefully there will be some good quality family bonding time, hehe.
school starts in like a month and a half, on september 2nd, which seems like a while from now, but i just know it's going to creep up on me. i feel kind of ready to start school already, but at the same time definitely not.. i like the feeling of not having homework to do or assigned readings to attend to, hehe. it's certainly much more relaxing. i just hope that when the semester does start, i won't have too much reading to do, and i won't get stressed out too much, and i'll still have time to unwind, relax, & hang out. but part of me is looking forward to school starting up again, to just get into that routine and get things accomplished, move forward in my life.
i've been contemplating studying abroad for a semester, and i think this coming spring would be a good time to do that. then when i get back it's another four months of summer vacation.. plus this coming spring, fields is going to be gone for three months anyway, doing a rotation for work thing that's slated to last from like march to may, i think. good time to go off and see the world, yes? i've been trying to look online about information about all that, but i think my best bet would be to go to some of the informational sessions they have during the semester. right now i'm thinking, italy, japan, thailand, or the UK would be really awesome to go to. thing is, after this coming fall 08 semester is over, i'll have already completed my general education requirements, so i'm hoping that i'll be able to take courses that'll work towards whatever degree i'm going to get here. on that note, i've still been saying that i'll probably end up a math major, but i still haven't figured out what i'm going to do with it if i do. computer science is a possible minor/double major as well, but we'll have to see. i need to take the intro course for that sometime. but yeahh, since i always liked math during high school and before, i really hope that that can still be applicable in college. my first choice of linear algebra wasn't the best, but i'm giving college math another chance. we'll see how that goes. i just hope i can figure out a good career i'll be happy with before i graduate. admirable goal, no? hehe.
in other news, i've still obviously been hanging out with the LBC Church group, and they're all still amazing. it makes me think about my faith and religion all the more. i know there are differences, but there are many similarities, too. i'm still just trying to learn about it all. it's the same God, the same Bible (more or less), still His Word, & the same Jesus Christ that died for our sins.. so i don't really understand why there has to be a distinction between all the denominations & branches of Christianity and whatnot. that's something i still have yet to get a grasp on. because every now and then mom keeps bringing up how i might be 'converted' or whatever.. when really i'm just trying to learn. and i think if i decided to become a Baptist it wouldn't be such a bad thing. this week the Virgin Mary statue is at our house, which means we have this booklet to go thru of prayers & praying the rosary.. i asked my mom yesterday after we were done why we did it, b/c some of the stuff in the booklet was outta date.. like there was something in there about "the conversion of Russia" or something, i don't really know. she kind of got defensive and just kept saying we're praying for everybody and so we have to pray it a lot. which is fine & all, i just want to understand the purpose of it.. like i think you can still pray for everyone without repeating standardized prayers.. in my opinion, faith is all in putting meaning behind your prayers. i don't particularly like i guess the whole droning on of standardized prayers, b/c it's so easy to get lost in what you're saying & just routinely say it w/o thinking about what exactly it is you're saying. so.. i dunno. i'm still very confused on all of this, but i hope to learn more about the differences in beliefs and figure out what i want to choose for myself as i go along.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
2008!
i personally think it's pretty insane that it's already 2008.
2007 was a big year for me, i think.
graduation, hitting the big one-eight, starting college, letting go of things that needed to be let go of.
i look back & feel like i've gone thru a lot, i've definitely had my share of drama that most likely could have been avoided. i'm glad that i've grown to be the person i am now, & i'm glad to know that i still have a lot of time ahead of me to fully figure out this person i want to be.
all this winter break i have surrounded myself with good friends, & it has been fantastic.
tonight, i'm going to heather's debut, her fancy smanshy 18th birthday party where i'll unfortunately find myself in the midst of some friends i've lost or drifted from and people i don't really know & would honestly rather not be with.
i've even sort of lost touch with the friends in cali since everything that's happened with john.
i really have not felt inclined to talk to him lately, it's just not fun because i know he still wants more than friendship, or there's something he's trying to find out in asking what's going on in my life. with any other friend, it's an honest enough question, but with him, it's like he's prying, & it's just not cool.
no, i'm most comfortable with my LC girls, specifically kirsten & jessica. samm & ash seem to be the next ones to drift away.. samm more so. *sigh* it happens, i know, but it's still sad nonetheless. i really hope that kirsten & i won't. jessica, too, but kirsten & i are closer. anyway, the four of us (minus samm, who's always working, unfortunately) have been hanging out with the church group all break, so i've been getting to know them & we're all becoming closer friends, too. i love it.
i'm making new friends, but they're not to sit in place of the old ones. they're making new spots of their own in my hearts, & the old spots of the friends who have drifted will always be there, rather sad, but oh well. life goes on.
here's to another year, hoping that all goes well for everyone.
2007 was a big year for me, i think.
graduation, hitting the big one-eight, starting college, letting go of things that needed to be let go of.
i look back & feel like i've gone thru a lot, i've definitely had my share of drama that most likely could have been avoided. i'm glad that i've grown to be the person i am now, & i'm glad to know that i still have a lot of time ahead of me to fully figure out this person i want to be.
all this winter break i have surrounded myself with good friends, & it has been fantastic.
tonight, i'm going to heather's debut, her fancy smanshy 18th birthday party where i'll unfortunately find myself in the midst of some friends i've lost or drifted from and people i don't really know & would honestly rather not be with.
i've even sort of lost touch with the friends in cali since everything that's happened with john.
i really have not felt inclined to talk to him lately, it's just not fun because i know he still wants more than friendship, or there's something he's trying to find out in asking what's going on in my life. with any other friend, it's an honest enough question, but with him, it's like he's prying, & it's just not cool.
no, i'm most comfortable with my LC girls, specifically kirsten & jessica. samm & ash seem to be the next ones to drift away.. samm more so. *sigh* it happens, i know, but it's still sad nonetheless. i really hope that kirsten & i won't. jessica, too, but kirsten & i are closer. anyway, the four of us (minus samm, who's always working, unfortunately) have been hanging out with the church group all break, so i've been getting to know them & we're all becoming closer friends, too. i love it.
i'm making new friends, but they're not to sit in place of the old ones. they're making new spots of their own in my hearts, & the old spots of the friends who have drifted will always be there, rather sad, but oh well. life goes on.
here's to another year, hoping that all goes well for everyone.
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