When I made up my mind, and my heart along with that, to live not for myself, but yet for God, somebody said, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"
When I finally ironed out all of my priorities, and asked God to remove the doubt that makes me so unsure of these things I ask myself, I ask myself, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"
"I'm getting into You because you got to me in a way words can't describe."
"I'm getting into you because I've got to be your essential to survive - I'm gonna love you with my life."
When He looked at me and said, "I kind of view you as a son," and for one second our eyes met, and I met that with a question: "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?"
"I'm getting into You because you got to me in a way words can't describe."
"I'm getting into you because I've got to be your essential to survive - I'm gonna love you with my life."
I've been a liar, and I'll never amount to the kind of person You deserve to worship You. You say You will not dwell on what I did, but what I do; You say, "I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."
"I'm getting into You because you got to me in a way words can't describe."
"I'm getting into you because I've got to be your essential to survive - I'm gonna love you with my life."
You said, "I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into."
- "Getting into You" by Relient K
That's what I want. I want to "get into" the Lord, but I don't exactly know how. I know that I believe in Him, I believe in Our Lord Jesus Christ, that He is the only way to salvation, that He died on that cross so that we might be forgiven for our sins and have eternal salvation. My head gets all that, and yet I still don't feel like my heart has fully accepted it.
I know that God should be first and foremost in my life, and yet, I'm still so attached to all of the material stuff. I'm self-centered. I need to humble myself before the Lord, and yet I don't. I have been blessed with so, so much in my life, and I still take it for granted. I'm very attached to my life here on earth.
What is it going to take to make me let that go and accept the Lord fully into my heart?
I've been reading the Left Behind books, and it amazes me - the passion and faith that the characters have developed in a matter of weeks. Granted, they were all deeply affected by the Rapture taking away many of their loved ones to the point that they finally came to the realization that only the Lord could have done something so great.. but I really don't want that to be what it takes to convince me. I mean, I am convinced that there is a Lord. I guess I mean that I don't want something that huge, that monumental that it would be ludicrous not to believe in the Lord to get me to accept Him into my heart. I want to be able to do that on my own.
Maybe that's the problem. I'm still trying to do things myself. I know that I need the Lord, but I'm still so self-righteous that I'm not accepting His help in reaching Him or something. It's so confusing. I have so many people around me that encourage me and can influence me, but I still feel like this is something I need to do on my own.. well, I guess just me and the Lord. It only makes it harder that it feels like I almost lead a double life, at least regarding religion. With my family, I practice Catholicism. I've grown up with it my whole life, but no one ever laid out our beliefs and actually explained to me why we believe that, pointed to scripture as a reference and all that. So i participate in all these practices, but I don't necessarily understand them. Then I have all my friends that go to Leonardtown Baptist, and I admire their passion and enthusiasm and understanding of their faith so much.. Because of those things, often I find myself leaning towards wanting to believe what they believe, because they can explain why they do.
Even so, I still sort of shy away from being absolutely committal to both. I know that to figure out my own faith I need to consider everything and make my own decision. I can't be biased and, in a way, give in to "peer pressure" and choose just because it's what my family or my friends believe. I need to make the decision. Nobody else can make it for me. Nobody else can make me accept the Lord into my heart.
I need to do this, somehow, someday, hopefully sooner rather than later. It's something only I can do for myself, and yet something in me feels the need to share this, rather than keep it inside. It's been an ongoing internal conflict for a pretty good while now. I always feel nervous and anxious talking to people about religion, simply because I haven't figured it out for myself yet, and that scares me. I really, really want to though. Maybe all I need right now are some encouraging words. Maybe I'm hoping the Lord will speak through one of you and tell me what I need to hear to help me on my journey. Maybe I just needed to let this all out whether or not I get a response - to lay all my thoughts out in a way that leads me to the realization of just what I need to do.
No one told me the right way, the right way to go about this, so I'll figure it out for myself. 'Cuz how much is too much to give you? Well, I may never know, so I'll just give until there's nothing else.
Yeah, I'll give give give - until there's nothing else
Give my all - until it all runs out
Give, give - and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left.
Sometimes it seems like all I ever do is ask for things until I ask too much of You. But that's not the way I wanna live; I need to change.. but something's got to give. Yeah, something's got to
Give give give - until there's nothing else
Give my all - until it all runs out
Give, give - and I'll have no regrets
I'll give until there's nothing left.
- "Give Until There's Nothing Left" by Relient K
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Life goes on.
Yesterday was Commencement at my school, St. Mary's College of Maryland, for the Class of 2009. The commencement speaker was Frank Warren of PostSecret, which I thought was really awesome. I didn't get to listen to his speech or even see the ceremony cuz I was working across campus at the store, but I still thought it was cool that he was the speaker. He posted his remarks on the PostSecret website today, so at least I still got to read what he had said. He talked about making sure you keep in touch with all of the people who made your college experience wonderful, because those are relationships that should be cherished.
So I thought ahead two years to when I myself am going to be graduating from St. Mary's College of Maryland. I imagined somebody saying something like that to me then, and well, I haven't gotten the same type of college experience that most other people get. I'm a commuter, I still live at home, so I haven't formed the same types of relationships that campus residents get with their roommates and other people that live on campus, since well, they're on campus together all the time. Granted, I have met a good number of cool people on campus since I started there, and I definitely knew more seniors this year from working with them in the Fishbowl as fellow math majors and all, and it would've been cool to see them graduate, but I still never got really close to them to the point of hanging out outside of school-related stuff. It does make me a little sad, because it would've been awesome to chill with them and get to know them more.. I might still see a couple around if they get jobs locally, or if they're staying on for another year for the MAT program, but I dunno.
I think my experience at my own commencement in Spring 2011 will be even more different in the fact that I'll have already earned my B.S. in Math like six months prior b/c I'm graduating a semester early. I'm going to work crazy hard this coming school year and finish up my Math major and Econ minor, then I'm taking a semester abroad in Italy just to finish up the required credit hours. So I can get my sense of accomplishment and actually making it through my undergrad career in December 2010. My last semester of college (assuming I don't go to grad school, which I'm really leaning to not wanting to go..) is going to be in Italy! It's going to be awesoooome!
Anyway, even though I haven't gotten a "typical college experience," I know I'm lucky. It's been two years since I started college, but I still have my four best friends from high school (my lovely LC Girls :]). We may not see each other as often anymore, but I consider us to still be close. We haven't all moved away or anything and had to really work to keep in touch, but I dunno. I've lost friends even before high school ended.. I know that it happens, and it sucks, but it helps me really realize who my true friends are and who I'm truly blessed to have, you know? I have some wonderful people in my live and I am so glad. I know who the people are that count, and even if they're not my college buddies, I've known them for even longer and I think that's even better. I really hope we don't end up losing touch some day. We're all getting to that point in our lives where we're really starting our own lives; Samm and Kurt are getting married in two years.. Fields and I are pretty serious, and I think Tommy and Jess are, too. We're going to be starting our own families and really branching off, so it is possible that we'll lose touch, but I just really hope it doesn't happen. We've been together so long, and been through so much, we just gotta keep the LC Girls going. :]
So I thought ahead two years to when I myself am going to be graduating from St. Mary's College of Maryland. I imagined somebody saying something like that to me then, and well, I haven't gotten the same type of college experience that most other people get. I'm a commuter, I still live at home, so I haven't formed the same types of relationships that campus residents get with their roommates and other people that live on campus, since well, they're on campus together all the time. Granted, I have met a good number of cool people on campus since I started there, and I definitely knew more seniors this year from working with them in the Fishbowl as fellow math majors and all, and it would've been cool to see them graduate, but I still never got really close to them to the point of hanging out outside of school-related stuff. It does make me a little sad, because it would've been awesome to chill with them and get to know them more.. I might still see a couple around if they get jobs locally, or if they're staying on for another year for the MAT program, but I dunno.
I think my experience at my own commencement in Spring 2011 will be even more different in the fact that I'll have already earned my B.S. in Math like six months prior b/c I'm graduating a semester early. I'm going to work crazy hard this coming school year and finish up my Math major and Econ minor, then I'm taking a semester abroad in Italy just to finish up the required credit hours. So I can get my sense of accomplishment and actually making it through my undergrad career in December 2010. My last semester of college (assuming I don't go to grad school, which I'm really leaning to not wanting to go..) is going to be in Italy! It's going to be awesoooome!
Anyway, even though I haven't gotten a "typical college experience," I know I'm lucky. It's been two years since I started college, but I still have my four best friends from high school (my lovely LC Girls :]). We may not see each other as often anymore, but I consider us to still be close. We haven't all moved away or anything and had to really work to keep in touch, but I dunno. I've lost friends even before high school ended.. I know that it happens, and it sucks, but it helps me really realize who my true friends are and who I'm truly blessed to have, you know? I have some wonderful people in my live and I am so glad. I know who the people are that count, and even if they're not my college buddies, I've known them for even longer and I think that's even better. I really hope we don't end up losing touch some day. We're all getting to that point in our lives where we're really starting our own lives; Samm and Kurt are getting married in two years.. Fields and I are pretty serious, and I think Tommy and Jess are, too. We're going to be starting our own families and really branching off, so it is possible that we'll lose touch, but I just really hope it doesn't happen. We've been together so long, and been through so much, we just gotta keep the LC Girls going. :]
Sunday, March 08, 2009
My Life's To-Do List:
So I kind of had something really similar to this like two Decembers ago, so I guess this is kind of just an update. As usual, I've had a lot of thoughts just swimming through my head lately that I've built up the need to organize them and get them out.
Thus, I present my current Life To-Do List, including both long-term goals and some stuff that I should really make a daily habit:
Thus, I present my current Life To-Do List, including both long-term goals and some stuff that I should really make a daily habit:
- find my faith
- read my Bible regularly, if not daily
- really think about why we do the things we do/learn about our practices
- construct and build up a strong relationship with God and Jesus
- write (a) letter(s) to Jesus to figure out what's really on my mind and why everything's been such a struggle
- open my heart to forgiveness and letting go of the past; move on to a future filled with hope and optimism.
- appreciate my life.
- exercise regularly
- take up piano again
- learn how to cook!
- take up drawing again/find some artistic outlet as a hobby (?)
- work on my posture (this is kind of minor, but I guess it will be important in the long run - I don't want to become a hunchback or anything! haha)
- maintain my self-esteem. I am the way I am because God made me this way, and it'll do me absolutely no good to look down on myself. I just have to fully accept myself as a person, and I think I'll be happier for it once I fully grasp that.
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